The Sisterhood

Ferris Bueller:  You want to get married?

Sloane:  Sure.

F:  Today? I'm serious.

S:  I'm not getting married!

F:  Why not?

S:  What do you mean, "Why not?" Think about it.

F:  Well, no, besides being too young, having no place to live, you feeling a little awkward about being the only cheerleader with a husband, give me one good reason why not.                                                

It can be pretty lonely pursuing dreams outside of mainstream. Believe me, I know.  Most everything significant I have experienced was to the beat of my own drum with a quirky twist. 

Honestly, it's not as if being different didn't phase me. Every step, down whatever path, I had been hyper-conscious of the process and the outcome.   No, there was not just a handful of things over my lifetime. The tally was more like counting all of my fingers and toes.... and all my husband's fingers and toes... my son's... maybe borrowing a few fingers from one of my daughters.... 

The number of unusual life experiences is up there, that's for sure.  The loneliness was relentless when family or friends didn't understand or support me.  I'm sure they were all scratching their heads and asking themselves "why" I chose living life on the fringe.  In hindsight, rather I see it as "why not?" 

Once I realized what consisted of the predictable life, I got bored. When I wasn't waiting for another adventure to find me, I poked around curiously seeking the unique.  No, not in reckless venture, but more of the notion that it would broaden my world and allow me to express who I am.

So who am I?  That's a question alright!  Born big city in the 70's, I got to do many fun kid things just because the opportunity was there. My mother took me on trips to the county zoo and the museum.  Then there was ice skating in the neighborhood or speed-boating at the lake with aunts, uncles, grandma and grandpa. Despite being one of the poorer families, the experiences abounded. 

           

Almost 2000 miles to experience culture shock. Now if you put me in a town with more than one traffic signal I get confused.

Then life changed around age six and we moved across country to small town. How small? Well, let's just say it was the first time I'd seen homes on dirt roads and the neighbors' houses were more than an arm stretch away. Innocently I asked my mom where the sidewalks were.

And the people were different. Isolated, clannish different. This new community was not used to open minded people like our family. The adjustment to a bridled, remote lifestyle was not easy.

Home town. Probably one of the few families that was not related to someone else in the community. 

We did get a traffic signal but not until my late teen years.

....Nor did it stick.

One week after I graduated from high school I married- and despite rumors, I was not pregnant. Within two years I graduated from a normally 3-4 year nursing program. I then lived the very constrained, legalistic Christian wife life. After 8 years I couldn't be bottled up any more, so that marriage ended.  

Rather than be easier, life got harder, and emotional nurturance was very infrequent. However, I rebuilt my life with very little help from my "support system". Against adversity, I was able experience the new, different and unusual once again.  I put my all into remaking myself-  "nobody puts Baby in a corner."  I didn't get to live quite the same elegant lifestyle, but like Baby, I became who I wanted to be.

My junior year I was told by everybody that I looked like "the girl from Dirty Dancing".  Who the heck...?!?
I eventually found out 

Flash forward through many more adventures to today. My journey odyssey has brought me to try to have another child through IVF and surrogacy.

Pursuing assisted reproductive technology (ART) is much of an emprise. So many circumstances make so that infertility (primary and secondary), IVF and other treatments are generally out of the daily spotlight. That is, unless you're rich and famous. It's about as awkward as talking about birth control with your kids or hush hush as a menstrual cycle.  Neither should be- ask my kids. Anything reproductive including IVF is normal conversation at home.  Heck, my preteen daughter can tell you the qualities of good sperm versus bad sperm morphology 😉  We simply look at it as a different way of living life with the same results.

Regardless, it's lonely.  Isolated is more precise. Friends or close acquaintances either can't relate, or point blank don't want to take the time understand what is going on in my life. I can't blame them. Most of them are working on sending their kiddos off to high school or even college. They've emptied their attics and garages of anything that is fuzzy, squeaks or giggles, giving it to charity or to their fur babies. 

Family is a little better, they lend an ear- especially my sister Kate who gets more than her share of details because she is such a good listener. However with the rest of my family, the process of waiting for everything to come together and the details involved (which are "milestones" to me) causes it to escape their interest. 

It's not like I'm pregnant and friends and family can rub my belly, watching the monthly progression. I'm sure they're too anxious to ask what's the latest. In a sense likened to asking someone who's been trying, "are you pregnant yet?", but finding they failed repeatedly.  

There exist those that are still clueless about it all (tactless perhaps?) and launch an inquiry.  Minutes after introduced to a lady-old-enough-to-know-better last summer, she literally rubbed my belly with two hands then asked me my due date.  The "bump" she commented on was actually pudginess from stress eating.   I managed to hide my hurt for her sake and not fume at the same time. The blouse I wore that day was hastily retired from my wardrobe.

Where I ended up after the support dissipated was to be inside my head to ponder, to process. A very desolate place.  Sometimes Me, Myself and I failed to be friendly, they instigated distrust, provoked unfounded fears and whispered words like "failure" and "never". 

Fortunately for social media, I have the opportunity to connect with others on various groups exploring the assistance of ART.  Over 40?  There's a group for that!  Low AMH?  Ditto. Women seeking treatment in Mexico. Yep.  Support for mothers that need a surrogate to carry?  Uh-huh.  I'm connected alright!

Call it a sisterhood. Women just like me, age, similar medical challenges trying to conceive and with successful results, and some not.  All of them providing support and sage advice.  

• There to cheer for the small successes- "My AMH went up!!!"  That is grounds for celebration, the least a fresh mojito and ceviche.  
• Encouragement during the challenges- "My cycle protocol has this, *this* and *this* medication. What the heck are they???". Thank heavens for the gals in Europe because they were most familiar with them.
• Always willing to send a virtual hug- "My prolactin is high, I need to take a medication to counteract it but it has nasty side effects."  I can say that wasn't new territory because there was more than one lady in these groups  that already had this experience.

The highs and lows- from hearing the first heart beat, or of a 14 week miscarriage. They have been through it all, a wealth of information and the mentoring that I was unable to get from those closest to me.

Louise Brown, the first baby in the world born via IVF signing my copy of her book.  Talk about support! 💜💜💜

I have one more week to go before I am poked by a bazillion injections, hopefully to get that one egg that will bring new life to our family.  I would not have made it this far, sane, had it not been from the women in the sisterhood. 

Family had been great,  but now they have the relief to not feel obligated to hold me up through this emotional journey odyssey. Instead,  we can enjoy each day together focusing on us.

Through all that has passed, with what I'm  living, and thinking ahead of that which is to come, I will always be sure of one thing: 
Life is too short to live the same day twice.